are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Duck typos.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?