#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me trying to walk in a dream
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.