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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I had to Stop for this
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”