My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
You Might Also Like
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar