*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
You Might Also Like
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Ha.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Seek kebab; not attention
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.