Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
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The devil.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
j o i m p
Monday?
No. Next question.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.