Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”