I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
asked my bf how work was today
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good