Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
âBe brave, you got thisâMe: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Maâam, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I donât like your tone
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also donât break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel betterâ everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
đ
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: Iâm going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. Itâs Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Iâm inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. Itâs basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like âThe Tantrum Hug.â
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Am I unemployed ⌠or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
âInvolve your toddler in cooking!â âŚso dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still wonât eat anything.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
me: it kind of feels like youâre judging me right now
judge: itâs called “sentencing”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.