Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
me and my fake scenarios
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich