I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
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I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.