If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
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If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.