First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies