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We need to put an American base on the sun
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
IT’S-A ME,
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.