Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
You Might Also Like
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”