Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me too
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident