I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Monday Lisa
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️