It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines