Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in