*3.5 thank you very much.
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
lol
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me