50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
You Might Also Like
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!