GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
*sewing*
A thread
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets