What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Why is this me 😫
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea