All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
i- i did not expect this
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I hope Alan is OK
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein