Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
You Might Also Like
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles