ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.