*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Twitter is an abusement park.