Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.