Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?