uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
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When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.