Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
You Might Also Like
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
what’s the point then??
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
for all #parents out there
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
This took me a second..
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay