Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.