nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?