Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
You Might Also Like
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body