My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
had to share :’)
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it