There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”