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I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho