“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.