I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
im all 3
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be