If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
You Might Also Like
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Strangers have the best candy.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back