Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
only 11 steps left
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.