it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.