[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
You Might Also Like
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP