My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
🤣🤣🤣
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.