Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
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Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
this is the best day of my life
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea