I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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