Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
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Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car