I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
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Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day