“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.