Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
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why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.